Strange feelings

It’s funny, I find it more difficult to write about current issues than past ones. The past is the past. There is nothing we can do about it, apart from accepting it, learning from it and learning to live with it. Although there are certain parts that I still find hard to be open about, most of all to myself, there are other parts that I have fully come to terms with. Those are the parts I have written about before.

But here and now is different. Partly because we are living with our immediate past, and it impacts our future. So blogging about it can be quite tricky. Another thing is that there is no benefit of hindsight. There is only a feeling of right and wrong, belief and disbelief, but there is no scientific research, the rationale is rudimentary and the evidence are lacking.

So I find myself this morning, feeling contrary to what you might expect, happy and content. My headache is gone, the sun is shining, and I got 6 hours of sleep last night. I head for the gym, and work the cross-trainer in an even pace. I work my body slowly and methodically. Do as many repetitions as I can. I elongate my body with every exhale, stretching all those tense muscles. It feels good.

Coming home is another matter. My behavior (if one may call it that) is up for discussion. It’s true what is being said, I can’t deny. I am forgetful. To the point that I forget important things that should not ever be forgotten. I have still to forget the baby but with my track record I might be there all too soon. I don’t spend enough time with the kids either. True again. Reinout asks me when was the last time I took Sebastian out for a walk. Weekday he adds. I say last week Friday. He doesn’t appear to buy it, and probe for any other days. Well Tuesday too. But he figures it out. “You mean on your way to your massage appointment.”

“Well, yes.” I find it quite funny and start to laugh. Reinout doesn’t think it’s amusing in the slightest.

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He leaves. I hear his steps down the stairs ending with the front door being slammed. All is quiet. I find myself standing at the window looking out over our garden. I am left with a strange feeling. It’s not bad, but not good either. It’s a feeling that things will change, not right now, but in a year or two. A change that we will not have anticipated on. It’s not the first time I have this feeling but it’s the strongest one up to date. I shall have to wait this one out. Sooner or later it will become clear.