On the topic of fidelity…
It’s been a strange week in retrospect. I met some very interesting people, engaged in mind challenging discussions, were given some sever reprimands and got the brunt of some people’s emotional reactions. Knowing it would be foolish to let these events pass into obscurity, I’ve taken some time to think things through.
One particular discussion stood out. We were at Viqhs, talking to some semi-famous DJ turned business man (or was it the other way around?). We went from Persia and the Shah’s fall of 1979 (after all I am a history buff) to DJ’s, the beautiful girls of Cartagena Colombia, Online Casinos and the rearrest of one of Amsterdam’s top criminals. Makes for good conversation over wine and tapas, and I felt like a fish in water.
At one point (and I’m not sure how we got into this), our conversation ventured into fidelity, or rather the lack of. I declared my undying love for my husband, vowing I would never be with another man. In fact when times of self pleasure, I would only think of my husband. My husband remained silent. I continued to babble (it must have been the wine) and at one point my husband took my hand and through silent eye communication told me it was sweet but enough.
Our DJ/business man was of another opinion and appeared to find the conversation intriguing. Had I even thought of that a man might want a bit of fresh flesh once in a while? Of course I had. So much to the point that 5 days ago, whilst wanting show my husband our dog’s football skills, knowing he was closing off the office but wasn’t there, and three phone calls later all ending all in voicemail greetings, I started walking through a cloud of monsoon rain towards the red light district just to check. Just to check…. You know, calm my mind. Or perhaps finally find proof of any suspicion that harbours my warped mind. Paranoid yes, but there were mitigating circumstances…
Now infidelity comes in many ways, all being based on trust. And so it became the final definitive question. The question, or paradigm if you like, of Trust versus Freedom. I’ve been thinking about it, every single hour, minute and second that was not preoccupied by something more important. Was he (the DJ) right? Were the best relationships the ones based on utter freedom? And what about Love? Will it diminish as we care less about our partners sexual exploitations? Or will it grow stronger thought the ultimate gift granted? I’m admittedly still pondering…
Reinout in negotiation??
I think there are possible open relationship out there that survive, but in the end we human beings are built to be monogamous at least for a decade to raise a child. There are so many variations on this in the animal kingdom, but one marker that provides some answer is jealousy. It rears it’s perhaps not so ugly head if you’re truly in love with someone, because while acting upon feelings of lust may seem something that can be overcome, whether with or without consent, inevitably it triggers feelings of aversion. I think couples who can deal with that and be truly happy, are an exception. I will also be so bold to assert that those are probably couples that settled. They are not with their dream partner. But who is? Can we all win the love lottery? Our very own jackpot? I am certain I did, I love my Amanda to death and it is absolutely inconceivable that we’d ever be intimate with anybody else. Ever again. But we feel we won the love lottery, and who does? I hope you did.
Also, the short-term fulfillment(or lack of) acting upon lust gives is something one quickly grows tired of. I guess in most cases it’s momentary fulfillment versus long-term aversion, disgust and feelings of guilt. To refer to myself(yet again), monogamy is not a choice we’re making, it’s a given. Experiencing a unfathomably deep connection with another person TRUMPS these primal urges towards whatever else, they have their place within the relationship in a beautiful way.
This “freedom” you speak, is something people experience when they simply lack fulfillment in their relationship. I am truly convinced of that. I am also convinced that that is virtually impossible to find someone who fulfills all your needs, so I have no advice to give to other people. I can only say I’m damn happy to be so lucky to have my Amanda!
reply to this commentTrust is everything, isnt it?
And can we truly trust another person 100%?
I agree with Pawel, that “freedom” is what people desire when they lack fulfilment. I myself can never imagine being intimate with someone if I was in love with someone else and had given my heart to him. But from personal experience I realise it is different for men and women. Or SOME men and women….But the majority of people I have heard of their want of being “free” are men….
I dont think there are any advice to give, either you have the fulfilment and need nothng and nobody else, or you dont…and you look for it somewhere else.
reply to this commentGood post hun.
Great post, relevant topic. Much what I contemplate lately myself cosidering the upcoming events. Cold feet and a situation arising that bear resemblance to a story in one of your recent posts triggered this search for answers. Love , lust and desire and infinity. Sometimes it might be worth to embrace alternative views on love rather than blindly accepting the dominating and commonsensical truths on a theme of life that we all can talk about but behind whose coulisse one rarely sets a foot and explores on ones owns terms.
Somone did recently introduce me to the thoughts of Emmanuel Levinas. He has contemplated around those traditional views of love and come to describe them as: “the most egoist and cruellest of needs” as it strives for the creation of a symbiotic allconsuming relation between the lover and the beloved, to reconsile a long lost One. This is in his view a form of narcissism as there is a drive to reduce the other to become the same. This results in inevitable failure since as soon as this search for fullfillment by the other is satisfied the desired object is lost.
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