It huuuurts!

Reinout and Victoria burst into the room. It was about 6 pm and I was busy cleaning up my overflowing inbox.
“OK, when are you going to have the God damn baby?”
“Yeah mummy?” Victoria added for good measure.
Reinout handed over a pineapple shake. “Drink!”
“OK, OK” I said. I knew that Reinout had done a bit of research and discovered that consumption of pineapple could bring on labour. I launched google to verify these claims. According to treehuggermums.co.uk you have to eat about 7 whole pineapples to get the desired effect.
“What else is on there?” Reinout grabbed the laptop as to see for his own eyes.

A list of 10 “remedies” could be found….reflexology, essential oils, acupuncture, sex, hot curries, cervix massage, breast stimulation and of course the fresh pineapple. Reinout disappeared into the bathroom only to come out 2 minutes later with handful of equipment, mostly consisting of lotion and potions. He first started to massage my feet. I screamed in agony. “It huuuurts.” When I say those words, which is more often than not, I kind of sound like a Texan with a deep guttural R. It’s the only time I sound like a Texan I might add.

I kept on screaming although in some way it was quite pleasurable. But then again pleasure and pain are closely related. If there is anyone that would know (and confess to knowing), it’s me. But after a while Reinout got tired of hearing my hysterical shouts and stopped abruptly.
“OK, what’s next? The essential oil. Where do I need to rub it in?”
“On my tummy.” I said, amazed at his high spirits and conviction on the matter.
“I can also do the acupuncture….Victoria there are some needles in the bathroom.”
“Have you lost your mind? There is no way in hell I’m going to let you stick needles into me.” The mental image of a life size voodoo doll flashed by. It wasn’t a pleasant sight.
—
When they finally left me alone I ordered a curry to top it all up. Apart from a restless night there are still no signs of labour. They say it all comes down to will power, and at this point I wonder if I really want him (or her) out. I’m quite comfortable here in bed working away on some highly exciting projects…

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