In search of the truth

I have the tendency of becoming obsessed with certain topics. Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, secret societies, esoterica, death penalty, the darker side of human nature….in fact that is what these subjects mostly have in common. The darker side. It started early on, as early as around 4, 5 years old. I recall seeing a film about the life of Jesus and becoming completely obsessed with crucifixions, with abhorrence, yet fascination.

I didn’t have many friends when I was little. I  was more of an old soul in a young body. My grandmother was taking care of me whilst my mother was working, and we used to often spend time going through old books and encyclopedias. My long dead grandfather, who was a doctor in his time, had the most obscure books in our library. The old, leather bound ones, their pages lined with a thin coat of gold. A lot of these books were about medicine, and as a 5 year old not being able to understand the subject, it was natural that I was drawn to the grainy black and white pictures of rare deceases, amputations and organs in formaldehyde. I don’t think my mother or my grandmother new of my secret obsession, but if they did they let me be. I was a strange child after all, and strange children develop strange hobbies.

My obsession, if you can really call it an obsession, with serial murderers, started at the tender age of 11. I had become friends with a girl in school, intelligent but different.  At home she had a book which was about the most famous murders in the 1900’s. I recall Lizzy Borden and Jack the Ripper being two. At the same time I had discovered another treasure in our bookcase, a book called Strange but True. Jack the Ripper was once again featured. Me and my friend used to pour ourselves over these books, like literary gold minds for our hungry souls. Our creativity needed outlet, so we wrote a play about the famous Whitechapel murders. We were both detectives in the play. In vain we were looking for victims but no one volunteered. The project was abandoned.

I kept my interest for murders close to heart. We had a magazine that used to feature a new murder every week, one of which was the Black Dahlia. I used to collect the articles but for some reason I was too late with my scissors and the Black Dahlia article was gone before I could lay my hands on it. It took me about 10 years before I stumbled upon it, this time in the bookcase of my ex husband. It was the book written by James Elroy that later became the basis for the Black Dahlia film with Scarlet Johansson. To my disappointment, the book is a fictional, and not very plausible account of the murder, but it did trigger my search on the Internet. This was the time when I found my best resource so far to content of highly profiled as well as less known murders and crimes – Crime Library. It became my best friend for a year, until Google made its appearance.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you see it, I had a teacher, who taught many different subjects such as history, religion, psychology, you name it, who picked up on my rare interest and obliged himself in conversations off school topics. I still recall those conversations in his library (he lived closed to us in a turn of the century villa), about medieval torture techniques, historical rumours, strange events, legends and myths. His library was full of rare books and he would often consult them in search of the truth.

Later my obsession became the Knights Templar, and the role they played in the grail mythology. It started with the Holy Blood, Holy Grail by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh, and Henry Lincoln. It spurred my search for secret societies, and a hidden truth. But the more I searched the stranger it all became. And often researchers were not only contradicting each other but themselves too. It didn’t leave much hope. When the Da Vinci Code came out, I lost all interest. Before I had felt special, being privy to exclusive information that most people were oblivious to. Now everyone claimed themselves an expert. I abruptly stopped my investigations. And yet again turned to serial killers.

I’ve been there ever since, dabbling with religion, and history (French Revolution being a reoccurring theme), until yesterday’s Zeitgeist movie. Once again I was finding myself trawling the Internet  for the Illuminati, the bloodlines, the Rothschilds and their role during the Second World War (they are from a Jewish family background), Hitler and his alleged Jewish paternal ancestry etc, etc.

With these theories, it’s important to keep an open mind. People are using it for their own obscure agenda, very much in the same ways they claim their subject of interest to be doing. There is a lot of elitism, racism and prejudice involved. But even this, when understood properly, makes it all the more interesting.

If the truth is out there, I doubt we will ever know it. But it won’t ever cancel my quest for it. After all it makes great topics for dinner conversation.