If only you knew…
Life rarely turn the way we expect. In my own case perhaps more so than others. I’ve been told I’m drawn to trouble, and recently a friend of mine (once a very close one) told me “Susanne you will never change”.
A single line in an otherwise empty email, poignantly ended our friendship. I considered just deleting it but eventually hit the reply button. As much as my reply was a defence for my actions, it couldn’t conceal the truth she had stated in that single line. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. In the times when I threaten to leave my husband, the times I accuse him of adultery, the times I thrown various pieces of equipment that just happens to stand in my way. The times I seek for a divorce lawyer, just to end my search in confusion; that line echoes in my mind. “Susanne you will never change”
Life is so fucked up, and I’m a sucker for it. And now as I sit on a speeding train, the one thing I crave is freedom. Not being held down by debts and creditors, mortgages and contracts. I’m seriously contemplating social harakiri. Tell about your chronic decease and you will not get a job nor a mortgage. Tell about the times you were unfaithful and you will not have a marriage. Spill the beans on an abusive domestic life and your kids will be taken away. My hedonistic, melodramatic and very neurotic side wants to do all of that. And as things crumbles, and the ones you most love are taken away from you, perhaps freedom of power and influence will finally intervene meeting out both punishment and justice.
I wonder if I was really meant for the life I am leading now. I doubt it. My husband doubts it, and the few friends I have do so too. And so I seek that easy exit. The divorce papers which comes after several serious conversations from my husbands investors. “Your wife is a liability. She has got to go.”
It’s so easy. So I dare you. Do it. Just do it. Because I really don’t care. And even if I do care, I am just a blip on the radar. And so are You.
Hasta la vista Fuckers!
- 10 Comments | dark side, life, Reinout, thoughts..., work
The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say. ~Anaïs Ninssage
reply to this commentYou are unbelievable. Pity yourself or what. If you are so overwhelmed by your debts STOP SPENDING> New hair extension, new nails, fake tan, skin abrasion, new dresses, new shoes, new bags, dinner out, holidays, GET REAL you could have paid off some of your debts with this money. Have you not heard that there is a recession. There have been terrible floods – how much have you contributed to help these ppor people. All tyou think about is ME ME ME ME ME pity your poor family. Try thinking about someoneelse for a change, It might make you feel good. But then again then it won’t be about you
reply to this commentThanks for the comment, but you don’t seem to get it. That’s good though. At least I haven’t lost my ability to exercise my poetic license
/Susanne
reply to this commentThanks K. And for your SMS. Will call you this weekend.
reply to this commentlove you honey. keep writing. just say what you want to say. crazy thought, strange things and what happens in your life. that is what blogging is all about
Dont let some comments of people discourage you.
@annafrise; I guess you are not getting the point. the line where Susanne talks about creditors/contracts etc is referring to daily stuff that we are all stuck to. so are you. Its been built up over the years. Contracts with mobile companies, employer, electric company, tax etc.. Susanne is at one point questioning what makes you happy in life and sometimes that is that you just want to escape from all of this. Completely understand that. Either you do or your dont. Fact is, is that your comment got approved by her and is now posted. tells more about her then about you.
have a great weekend. Honey, I am going to smoke a cigar or three and have beer with the guys. see you later….and you can divorce me every day, as long as you come home
xxx
reply to this commentYour Message@Husband:
reply to this commentThanks sweetie. I know we’ll make it. I know we will. xxx
Money does not make you happy, I do get the point. Susanne’s whole life centres around belongings and money. It still doesn’t make her happy. Ifeel for her. She sounds empty and afraid. Her above comment seeks reassurance and approval from you. Money does not cure this. You don’t buy love affection and security.It sounds to me that if you did not have the money you wuold not have your wife. She is beautiful without all the trappings of her narcissistic existence. Would she still love you if you were poor.
reply to this commentYour Message@annafrise:
Hi Anna, first of all I do appreciate your comments and I can understand your point. I would like to start off with that this blog illustrates a very small part of my life. I, like anyone else, is a consumer, and as I have somewhat of an interest for fashion and beauty I share this on the blog. This doesn’t mean my whole life centres around it, nor does it mean that if I had an option to choose between that or living a healthy, meaningful life with my kids and family, that I would choose the former. Because I wouldn’t. But it’s completely besides the point.
I started this blog as an experiment. To put my thoughts, feelings, ideas out there, for the world to judge. Like you already do. I write about insecurity, because yes I feel insecure. There are times I absolutely hate and despise myself and my existance. Perhaps the only way for me to stop doing so, would be to live as a recluse in India, or start working in a volunteer program for abused women in Afghanistan. The fact that you don’t know that I am a member of Amnesty International paying a monthly contribution, equally to Medicins Sans Frontiers is also besides the point. Does it make me a better person? I don’t think so. Does it help? Perhaps a little. I like to think so anyways.
Like many women out there, I work, provide for my family, love my husband and kids to bits. I find at times the work – life balance very difficult to manage, and I seek escapes. Mostly in my books, sometimes in my writing and other times in getting a manicure or buying something that I enjoy.
I think what you have to decide for yourself is the way you live your life and if you are happy with that. If you are, and you feel you give something to the people around you, or the relief efforts in Pakistan, then you are doing something good. Keep on doing it. If you want to judge me (and that is after all your perogative) then that’s fine too. As long as it makes you feel good and adds value (only you can decide for that) then I would say fine.
I don’t take it personal, although it is personal criticism. I know I don’t love my husband for, of what you presume, his wealth. And my last comment was a response to our last discussion, and not his supportive comment.
I guess my closure to this is, as with anything, there are so many sides to a story. You naturally only see a small part, which you base your judgment on.
Susanne
reply to this commentYou words hold honesty and truth Susanne, I like them and totally ‘get’ them. What you say is a reflection of what other feel and are afraid to admit.
reply to this commentI think you have justified yourself to annafrise enough, no more. No need. If annafrise cannot understand where you are coming from then you will never convince her.
Keep up the writing, I hope your marriage lasts forever, he seems like a nice man. Lonliness and singledom with your creative min is not an option and will eat you up.
Marisa
Your Message@marisa:
Hi Marisa, thank you for your warm and kind words. Made me really happy reading them. I do hope some of my words echo the truth and reality out there for so many people. Life is not always super great, and a lot of what we see and read is a mere reflection of a carefully engineered illusion, set up by others. …and we buy into it all….sadly. Yes, I am aware some people might not get what I am saying. Part of it is lack of skills in my linguistic paintings, other reasons may be that I am not always that free to write. So it often becomes analogies and references in abstract.
Thank you for reading, and wish you all the best.
Susanne
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