Different love

Victoria came home this morning after spending the weekend with her dad. We had a talk about certain situations that are now arising from our new family member. Although she is really happy and totally in love with her little brother, it’s also a big change for her. She has been my centre of attention for 11 years and this focus has now changed to a certain degree. I tried to explain to her that my love doesn’t change, and although my love for her is different than my love for Reinout or for Sebastian, it is in equal measures, and with abundance.

I pause on that one for a moment. Because it must be. Every child is different, born in a different time, under different circumstances and therefore the love must be different too. To say it would be the same would be a statement made in blindness.

It’s a changing time for me. I notice that. The dynamics with Victoria (and Reinout too) are transforming. With Reinout I feel a natural transition, but with Victoria it’s sometimes more like transgression. I am certainly more touchy, and our interaction is not completely at ease. I want to explain and make myself understood, but it’s not always easy talking about hormones, shifting priorities, fears and misgivings to an 11 year old.

Later, after coming back from our Sunday excursion, I go for a sleep. I’m exhausted from it all, breast-feedings, nappy changing and birth trauma. I dream, a terrible dream, that I am so angry with Victoria, I meet out evil punishments on her. I wake up from Reinout and MJ entering, and I am so happy it’s just a dream. I feel my dream wants to tell me something. I’m not sure what, but it will come. For now I am so happy for having been blessed with two beautiful children. Two children a swear to love and protect with my very life.