Fracas Noir – Susanne Waldau – te Brake ~ for better or worse

Monday, February 1, 2010 I have nightmares. Dark, unsettling, they overwhelm me, taking a firm grip over my own reality. I dream of a man, bearing a close resemblance to the taxi driver, yet I know it’s not him. He asks me to follow him into the woods. I hesitate and he asks, “Don’t you [...]

Sunday, January 31, 2010 I’m sitting at Café Marie on Rue de Chabrol. It’s 10 minutes to four as I’ve made sure I’m early. There are not many people on the premise. A young man in his mid-twenties is standing behind the counter. He looks to be Algerian, which I ascertain to be a correct [...]

2007 We threw ourselves into work with great intensity and vigour. I didn’t see much of Carl as we both kept odd hours. My focus became my business, which grew in assignments. It generated a comfortable income, sustaining a not-too-overly ambitious lifestyle, with wine, cigarettes and dining out as our only foibles. I recruited my [...]

September – November 2006 Three months after our wedding we booked an impromptu honeymoon to India. Our funds were limited, so with two backpacks filled to the brim with shorts and t-shirts, flip-flops and a second-hand Lonely Planet, we arrived at Delhi Airport in the midst of September. The monsoon season was waning and the [...]

I walk up to a large steel-framed door. It’s painted black and contains a hatch, which I presume opens when clients call on the door. I announce myself, but the small opening never opens. The door does however, and a female bouncer in a tight-fitted black suit lets me in. She asks me to part [...]

Saturday, January 30, 2010 I wake up late. The house is completely still and there is no sign of Carl. I step outside, carefully treading the parquet floor, trying not to make any noise. The guestroom door stands ajar, the bed has been left unmade. There is a smudged wine glass and a discarded towel, [...]

Friday, January 29, 2010 I’m sitting behind my computer, aimlessly trawling sex sites on the net. Carl left hours ago. He didn’t say goodbye, and I pretended to be asleep. You might expect me to feel guilty, but such thoughts have long since been expelled. Like a drug addict, my mind is on my next [...]

Spring 2006 It was a warm, spring day towards the end of April. I remember it as one carrying a premonition of summer. I had been helping our gardener trim the bushes and plant roses. The magnolia tree was in full bloom, scattering white and pink petals across the newly cut grass. I spent the [...]

Spring 2005 “When we are dead, seek not our tomb in the earth, but find it in the hearts of men.” ~Rumi, Persian and Sufi Poet, 1207-1273 We moved into the Maison de Maître that my father had left us on Rue de la Faisanderie in the 16th arrondissement. Carl was now working for an [...]

Thursday, January 28, 2010 I can’t say that not a day goes by without thinking of the past days’ events. I’ve done something terrible, that I know, and yet I feel no regret. Instead I fantasize about men. Many men. Men standing in a queue impatiently waiting for their turn. I want to return to [...]