Anger management

Whenever Reinout and I have a discussion that involves a point he is trying to make, he manages to squeeze in a certain line; “Now that’s something you should blog about.” It’s often revolves around certain character flaws of mine, which he is trying to point out. Or at least that is how I see it.

I’m considering blogging about this one. Not from the perspective of how I feel, but from Reinout’s view point. Yet it will become rather one-dimensional for several reasons. For one, I will be prone to write down only the painfully honest comments which he has just over-loaded me with, and not the complete version. And secondly, I don’t feel like going into too much details so the description will be somewhat crude. All in all I don’t feel like writing - period. I am still angry. I am not getting enough sleep and it starts to seriously impact my mental state. I’ve had a lingering headache for days now. Reinout tried to cure it by hitting my head with his knuckle. Well I was kind of desperate so I didn’t mind really. But the headache is beyond painkillers and knuckle blows. It just is.

I’m trying to find words but I can’t. Another symptom of my anger. I can often withdraw when I feel like this. Reinout think it’s a Swedish thing. I disagree. It’s a reaction to being depleted of energy. Yesterday I went upstairs to work instead of watching TV. It made me feel better. In fact, I feel less stressed then. I’ve been thinking about that, boycotting the TV all together. I just don’t like it, and I know I can perfectly live without it. Besides it frees up a lot of time. Time to improve myself and my lack of performance. Oh yes, we are there again. The time when I am angry with myself for not pulling my shit together. I often cure this with beating myself down to the point that I just can’t stand the sight of myself, forcing me to do something about it. I have three priorities for this. Becoming a better mother (because I honestly suck…read previous post); stop fucking around with my hobby projects, and start achieving (right now I am just wasting my time), and lastly go from slobby mum to gorgeous mum. So there it is, warts and all. I am far from perfect. But writing it down, offers a sense of cathartic release. It purifies my warped thoughts and expels the demons. If only for an hour, if only for a day…

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