A little help on the way

Posted by: fracas on February 7 @ 6:22 pm

I was convinced I was experiencing something like pre-contractions yesterday evening. Happy with joy I took a sip of Reinout’s wine and popped 2 paracetamols for pain relief. In anticipation of a long night I settled on the sofa to watch a film – the Bank Job with Jason Statham. The film took away most of my attention to what felt like electric currents shooting off at random from my back and down my legs. What I first thought would be a film a la genre of Lock, Stock and two Smoking Barrels, turned out more sinister. The female protagonist Martine Love played by Saffron Burrows was particularly interesting. I loved her strong features and her sassy looks, straight from an 70’s YSL advert. I think I might adopt the look for when I return to the world of the living this spring.

Nevertheless, the pain resided and although I woke up a few times during the night, by 10 o’clock in the morning there was still no baby. Reinout kept on sleeping and when he finally opened his eyes just before noon he looked surprised at me.
“Woman, when will you spit out the goddamn baby?”
I shrugged my shoulders. What can I do. I’ve always worked on the principle of being fashionably late, and now it appears I have been punished for my sins.

Later in the day we went into town. It’s getting harder and harder to walk, especially in my high heel boots which I refuse to swap for flat ones. There is a reason though beyond the esthetical. I can’t war my jeans any longer and have to settle for the only two dresses that still fit. But as it’s freezing cold I need to cover my legs, so boots are the only option. We walked for what seemed like miles and I felt like I was about to faint. But with the consolidation in mind that this might bring on the onset of labour I was more than happy to oblige. Well at home, there were still no signs. Reinout came up with the bright idea of eating the heart of a pineapple, an old wives tale that is suppose to bring on contractions.
“Sure honey” I said, as interested as a vegetarian in a bloody steak. “But what happened to the wild and passionate sex you promised me?” well knowing that it is the best remedy for my inert state of being. I am still eagerly anticipating it before I turn into a sexual recluse.